Daydreaming

Daydreaming about life forces and what sustains me. For me, I would have to say there are three things. Nature, women and music. These three subjects can probably be contained inside one word: beauty.

Let’s clarify these concepts. Nature is the natural world. It is mathematics. It is leaves. It is science. It is complex systems. It is simple systems. It is everything that exists in the universe that is outside of the domain of humanity.

By women, I don’t mean sex. I don’t imply objectification, glorification or idealization of women. Speaking for heterosexual men (and possibly homosexual women, though I won’t speak for a group I am not a part of). Objectively, like in any aesthetics, women are not more beautiful than men, or rocks, or dirt. For me, however, women are sublime. The same transcendent awe that I feel from the night sky, I feel from women.  So for the rest of this post, please realize I am talking of my experience alone.

--

These three concepts both have the power to create and destroy. All sustain me and all destroy me. I can’t like with them; can’t live without them. A blade of grass cuts as deep as a woman’s tongue. A chord resonates as fiercely as the background radiation that lingers from the birth of the universe.

I think there is something of what Freud termed “thanatos” or the drive towards death in each of these three concepts. We want to understand nature, but understanding can destroy. It can reveal truths we don’t want to admit. Women can build an ego and destroy. They can give you a life you always wanted or the life of your nightmares. They create and destroy.   The music grows louder; louder; we must feel it; it must consume us. Nature must consume us. Beauty must consume us.  Like a moth towards flame; all three concepts can be our undoing. They can burn too bright; burn the candle at both ends.

I think these three concepts are largely why I lead the life I do. On campus I study nature, or at least, I study natural laws pertaining to humans. The interface between nature and humanity. On campus there are women. Millions to admire. I can work and explore music – jacked into the infinite resources of the internet- song after song after song.

At home, I also have these three concepts. But there is a difference. On campus, I am detached. Detached from the world of science, detached from women, listening passively to music. At home I am the surveyor of my own small patch of nature. My tree, my rabbit, my grass. I lie in the sun and close my eyes. In my space I am the creator of music; I am an active participant in it. And my woman. She is my creator.

No longer am I separate from the beauty; I live the beauty.